Those who know me know that I am pretty liberal and more than a little opinionated. I love politics (to a certain point) and you always know who to call if you ever want to "discuss" a few things. Coming from a not-so wealthy background, I know that my success has a lot to do with the support I have received from the government. Knowing this, one would logically conclude that I view the government as a necessary body that should even the playing field and provide assistance to those who are less fortunate.
However, last night, I found myself saying, "Damn it! I wish the government would just stay out of my life and mind their own business!" In the middle of my temper-tantrum, which was induced by a police officer who couldn't figure out how to us common sense discretion, I had a meta-cognitive moment. I could not believe that I had just said that, after all of my rant and rave about health-care reform, and more support to schools, and controlling gun laws, and blah, blah , blah, blah, blah... I had to laugh.
I had to do some self reflection to find out exactly what I believed and wanted. Yes, I do think that the government should provide an equal education, health care, and welfare. And yes, I also think that they should control the flow of guns (even though we all know that they are supplying them) and monitor the activity of greedy SOB business men (even though we also know that they fit this profile as well). I expect them to monitor and make sure that no one is doing things that they are not suppose to...except when I am the one trying to manipulate the market, who has to pay taxes, or speeding. Remember: there is always an exception to the rule and I happen to be that exception.
So I have a memo to you Big Brother:
When I needed an extra hand to pull myself up by the bootstraps, I was glad to have you there; However, now that I am up, I wouldn't mind if you would just stay out of my life and let me live the way I want to.
Now, if I am not a true American, I don't know who is!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Navigating the Work Place
As I start my first career, I am mindful of my own strengths and weaknesses. I have been cautious of my tone, my aggressive nature, and my confidence. Let's just say that it turns people off, especially those who are insecure or threatened.
I have been recently labeled by a co-worker as "The Cat's Meow," meaning the complete package which doesn't sit well with everyone. Some think that she is threatened by a young, pretty, competent, and confident woman. I would be too.
Thus far, I have been entirely more passive than I ever have been in meetings, more submissive that I care to respect, and more frustrated than ever. I am seeing so many flaws, but have been muzzled by myself and my peers. Well, the muzzle is coming off this week.
I will be entering the room with confidence, direction, and purpose that has not been seen yet. I will still be mindful of my weaknesses, but even more mindful of my strengths. Someone needs to speak up about the problems that have occurred. If not me, then who?
I have been recently labeled by a co-worker as "The Cat's Meow," meaning the complete package which doesn't sit well with everyone. Some think that she is threatened by a young, pretty, competent, and confident woman. I would be too.
Thus far, I have been entirely more passive than I ever have been in meetings, more submissive that I care to respect, and more frustrated than ever. I am seeing so many flaws, but have been muzzled by myself and my peers. Well, the muzzle is coming off this week.
I will be entering the room with confidence, direction, and purpose that has not been seen yet. I will still be mindful of my weaknesses, but even more mindful of my strengths. Someone needs to speak up about the problems that have occurred. If not me, then who?
Emotion VS. Logic
My own biology has become my number one enemy. I can't seem to escape it. The urge. The feeling of love. The desire for more. Why can I not control my own emotions?
Since I have met him, my biological desire to become pregnant has shown its face on too many occasions. I have never before wanted to have children with anyone that I have met, and thus, never considered it. However, he is smart, attractive, loving, patient, curious, and worships the ground I walk on. If I had to design a father for my (potential and surely not in the near future) children, he would be a mirror image of the man that I love.
Every time I think about it, the emotion is so strong that tears bubble to the surface. My desire for physical intimacy is no longer about pleasure, but the connection between us. The tenderness of his touch, the desire to be so close that the distinction between each of us individually is blurred. My thoughts and fantasies have become about the possibility of us, as one. What would push me to the edge is no longer apparent; it is only the thought of him and the potential of our lives together.
As the wave of red, hot desire for his love envelopes me and eventually passes, I realize that logically, what I want to be our future needs to be just that: future. We are still so young (although with everyone around me getting pregnant and married, I feel like an old maid) with so much of our lives ahead of us. There is no need or reason to rush or to become "suburbafied" just yet. The thought of having children scares the hell out of me and makes me question my own sanity every time the thought creeps in.
However, every time he reacts so strongly against having kids or getting married, or hell, just moving in together, he makes me feel as though he doesn't want the future and thus, he doesn't want me. My logical reaction is to want it even more which pushes him away. As soon as I back off, I catch him saying or doing things that lead me to think that he wants the same thing too: my last name hyphenated with his, telling me that I know it will happen eventually.
Our relationship has been the most stable, loving, and exhilarating thing that either one of us has ever experienced. Unfortunately, my body and emotions have stopped me from really enjoying it. Hopefully, I can tell my biology to get lost and contain its chromosomes for long enough to enjoy the ride.
Since I have met him, my biological desire to become pregnant has shown its face on too many occasions. I have never before wanted to have children with anyone that I have met, and thus, never considered it. However, he is smart, attractive, loving, patient, curious, and worships the ground I walk on. If I had to design a father for my (potential and surely not in the near future) children, he would be a mirror image of the man that I love.
Every time I think about it, the emotion is so strong that tears bubble to the surface. My desire for physical intimacy is no longer about pleasure, but the connection between us. The tenderness of his touch, the desire to be so close that the distinction between each of us individually is blurred. My thoughts and fantasies have become about the possibility of us, as one. What would push me to the edge is no longer apparent; it is only the thought of him and the potential of our lives together.
As the wave of red, hot desire for his love envelopes me and eventually passes, I realize that logically, what I want to be our future needs to be just that: future. We are still so young (although with everyone around me getting pregnant and married, I feel like an old maid) with so much of our lives ahead of us. There is no need or reason to rush or to become "suburbafied" just yet. The thought of having children scares the hell out of me and makes me question my own sanity every time the thought creeps in.
However, every time he reacts so strongly against having kids or getting married, or hell, just moving in together, he makes me feel as though he doesn't want the future and thus, he doesn't want me. My logical reaction is to want it even more which pushes him away. As soon as I back off, I catch him saying or doing things that lead me to think that he wants the same thing too: my last name hyphenated with his, telling me that I know it will happen eventually.
Our relationship has been the most stable, loving, and exhilarating thing that either one of us has ever experienced. Unfortunately, my body and emotions have stopped me from really enjoying it. Hopefully, I can tell my biology to get lost and contain its chromosomes for long enough to enjoy the ride.
The thoughts of a undiscovered woman...
Why must women be SO emotional? As a woman who was raised by a single father, I have always been proud of my ability to keep my emotions somewhat in check. Unfortunately, the older I get, the less this is true. I was raised to be tough, independent, and unfailingly sure of my capabilities. As a child and young woman, I have been described as abrasive, aggressive, and somewhat cold. Those who knew me as little as 2 years ago would support these assertions as valid. So, how in the world did I develop into the occasional emotionally volatile, kind, caring, and mothering woman that I am today?
The process began about 15 months ago. He was tall, dark, and smart enough to check me on a few things which is rare. With his arrogance abound, he had the balls to give me his number and tell ME to call HIM sometime. As he left the elevator, I was perplexed as to who he was, or rather who he thought he was.
I have never cared if a man was interested in me, because, well, I have never had a reason to. Once I started to explore the world, I realized that a smart, sexy, and independent woman is a hot and rare commodity. I spent 4 1/2 years attempting to fend off the vultures who were desperate to either control me, be dominated by me, marry me and make me the mother of their children, or live off of me.
He was different. Yes, he was blown away with my ambition, aura of confidence, and intelligence, but he had reasons to stroke his own ego too. Never had I met a man who could match me on my level. I was mesmerized by him, just as much as he was by me.
He made me feel safe, secure, and loved. He told me that I could cry, that he would take care of things and that I didn't always need to do things by myself. He consistently bent over backwards to do whatever it took to earn my trust and love. It didn't take long. My ice-queen, stone-cold, independent woman persona began to melt in his presence. I now longer felt the need to emphasize and pretend that I was as emotionally cold as I had portrayed.
Over the last year or so, I have felt more loving and caring than I ever have. However, I have also felt more emotionally unstable and dependent. I have leaned on him to the point that the person I was just a couple years ago, would be disgusted with me. I know that the woman I have become is not the person that he signed up to be with. I need to find that happy medium. I cannot be the cold-hearted bitch that I used to be, but I also cannot be an emotionally clingy wreck either. Some how, some way, I must find my true self, whoever that woman may be.
The process began about 15 months ago. He was tall, dark, and smart enough to check me on a few things which is rare. With his arrogance abound, he had the balls to give me his number and tell ME to call HIM sometime. As he left the elevator, I was perplexed as to who he was, or rather who he thought he was.
I have never cared if a man was interested in me, because, well, I have never had a reason to. Once I started to explore the world, I realized that a smart, sexy, and independent woman is a hot and rare commodity. I spent 4 1/2 years attempting to fend off the vultures who were desperate to either control me, be dominated by me, marry me and make me the mother of their children, or live off of me.
He was different. Yes, he was blown away with my ambition, aura of confidence, and intelligence, but he had reasons to stroke his own ego too. Never had I met a man who could match me on my level. I was mesmerized by him, just as much as he was by me.
He made me feel safe, secure, and loved. He told me that I could cry, that he would take care of things and that I didn't always need to do things by myself. He consistently bent over backwards to do whatever it took to earn my trust and love. It didn't take long. My ice-queen, stone-cold, independent woman persona began to melt in his presence. I now longer felt the need to emphasize and pretend that I was as emotionally cold as I had portrayed.
Over the last year or so, I have felt more loving and caring than I ever have. However, I have also felt more emotionally unstable and dependent. I have leaned on him to the point that the person I was just a couple years ago, would be disgusted with me. I know that the woman I have become is not the person that he signed up to be with. I need to find that happy medium. I cannot be the cold-hearted bitch that I used to be, but I also cannot be an emotionally clingy wreck either. Some how, some way, I must find my true self, whoever that woman may be.
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