Things my boyfriend says..and then regrets.

1. Why can't you dress like that girl?

2. Telling me he likes my "chubb"

3. "I was reading in woman's magazine about jeans that lift and tug. You should get some of those."

4. Describing me as "loose" after sex

5. If we get married, let's do it in August so we can celebrate my birth and death.

6. I think my seeds are swimming up stream (in response to seeing kids)

7. Kids are parasites. They live and suck everything out of their host.

Filling the un-fillable gap...

As anyone who truly understands me knows, I have been attempting to fill the gap that my mother has left since I was very young. I practice emotionally nomadic behavior by bouncing from one person to the next. The minute I pick up the scent of possible rejection, I move to find the next person who might be available. I have learned to adapt to my environment in order to fulfill my emotional and mental needs. I have a whole list of women who I have attempted to force into the hole my mother left: Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Vinton, Mrs. Straight, Mrs. Crist, Cassandra George-Sturgis, Danielle, Jaye, etc.

My mother has had a lasting impact on my perceptions of women. They are either: 1. Incompetent, dependent, disgusting, and not worthy of my time or 2. Respectable, intelligent, and in control. I usually follow the latter around like a lost puppy dog.

Over the last year, I feel as though all of those who were important to me have left my life. Those who have been "lucky" enough to be there for my needs, either willingly or reluctantly, I no longer talk to on a regular basis. Thank god for the fact that I have been busy so not to marinate on the fact.

However, this has left me with a ridiculous amount of mental and emotional pain that is steadily simmering in the back of my mind. With every increase of temperature towards 212 degrees, I have forced myself to bury it again. As Scarlett would say, "I can't think about that today. I'll think about it tomorrow." Well, tomorrow is here, complete with two months of nothing, which I need a manual to understand. I suppose that it is time to deal with some of these issues which means verbalizing them. So, with no further ado....

To Carol:

I want to say that I thank you for your many years of support for me, as a child and as an adult. You understood then and you surely were one of the only people who understood me now. I am so thankful that I got to see you in October which helped me to say goodbye. I was so unsure of whether I should come to Michigan in February when only six days later, your last impact on the world approached. I refused to call you for many months or check for your obituary for fear of the eventual. Finally in May, I looked. I cried for a few minutes and then I closed my computer and walked away. I could not allow myself to think about it. You meant so much to me and you are forever missed. I will not remove your number from my phone and occasionally stare at it, wishing I could call you. I am very happy that I had the fortunate opportunity for you to change my life. Thank you so much.

To Kathy:

I want to say that I could not ask for a better person in my life. You understand me on so many levels and are there unconditionally. I have known over the past 12 years, that you will be there for me in any situation. You have always supported me, even when I was wrong and I can't say that anyone else has.

I am sure that you have wondered why I have not called you over the past months. It is not because I have been working too much and don't have time. I am a big believer that people make time for those things that are important to them. I have to say that I, unexpectedly, have had a really difficult time with Laura having a baby. I know it may sound ridiculous to most people but I am confident that you probably understand. I have been so afraid that you are going to be too busy to pick up the phone or too happy to deal with my non-sense that I have not attempted to bother you. I don't want to confirm my fears that you may not have time for me as a result of being busy and happy with your dream of having a grandchild. As a result, I have not called for fear of confirmation. I have weighed the potential risks and gains, and I just felt that after everything else, I could not lose you and if I pushed you away, then the lost relationship is because I choose it and not a result of you pushing me away. That thought hurt less than the latter. I am so happy that you and Kelly got a chance to be grandparents and I don't want to bother you with my non-sense. So I don't call even though I have stared at your number so many times.

To Kim:

I know that you may reluctantly have been there, only when I have forced my way into your life and I thank you for allowing me to "tag along." I wonder why I have talked to you once in the last year. I have wondered if has something to do with me and my success or something of deficit in your life. I wonder if I said something to you that upset you. If so, I would like to know what it is so that I don't say it again. I hope that everything is going well for you and I wish nothing but happiness and courage for you to do what you may want to do, but are scared to do. I wish I could talk to you on the phone, but with every "The number you have reached....," a little piece of me is removed so I don't call. It's easier this way. I hope that I may be able to come see you in a few weeks when I venture back to Michigan. I hope...

To Ms. Drake:

I know that we have not always seen eye-to-eye on the causes and solutions to situations, but I know that you always have the best intentions for me. I wish I could talk to you about stuff, but I know that you are busy and don't agree with most of what I say which makes it hard. I hope that one day we may be able to see eye to eye and that I can have a better, more frequent relationship with you. I hope all is good...

To Tina:

I thank you so much for supporting me professionally and pushing me to my limits. I have so much respect for you and want nothing more than your approval. I hope that our relationship will continue to grow and endure.

To Romana:

I thank you for coming into my father's life and attempting to deal with him in addition to the non-sense that his children bring. I like you and would like a relationship with you, but you must understand that I need to keep my distance. I have never seen my father in a relationship with a woman and have never had a woman in my life that was affectionate towards me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do other than run away. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and my experiences. I appreciate you trying to forge that relationship with me. Just realize that I come skeptical, suspicious, and untrusting and that this takes quite a while to break down. Just ask Anderson....

For his...

I love this man...

for his unconditional patience

for his persistent desire to break through walls I put up

for his undeniable innocence

for his resilience

for his saturating affection

for his determination for success

for his unbelievable intelligence

for his vulnerability

for his goofy laugh and huge smile

for his perfect creamy skin

for his hips and how perfectly they fit with mine

for his toned, dense arms that wrap me with security & love

for his lips that shower me with affection

for his concern for others

for his compassion for animals (after he "plays" with them)

for his ability to finish my words

for his gentleness in the face of aggression

for his aggression in the face of threat

for his warmth in the middle of the night

for his kisses that wake me up

for his kisses that put me asleep

for his shoulder which absorbs my tears

for his ridiculous jokes which forces my smile

for his love

...I love this man.

Fox Noise and Followers

As I was perceptively wasting time on facebook the other night, I noticed a post from someone whom I don't think I have ever met face to face. He was writing in response to Obama's speech addressing the oil spill. His comment read like this:

"Who is the 3rd Party Barry talks about? Would it be Bank of America? Why is the president using an unfortunate failure of machinery as a scapegoat to push an agenda? What do people see in this person? Will he be elected to a 2nd term?

Look in Websters dictionary for the terms "weasel, crook and fool" and they will all say "please see Barack H. Obama, 43rd president of the United States of America"

Now, I stared at this comment for a good five minutes and must have started close to a dozen different comments in response. I felt as though I was stuttering with a mix of disgust and frustration as I typed and deleted, typed and deleted. I could not find the right words with the appropriate amount of "gusto" that the ignorant American would comprehend.

My thoughts went something as follows:

1. Bank of America?

Yes, they are in fact part of the "3rd party:" The SOB's that run our government and financially and morally rape the American people with their power and control over the average citizen. Their conservative, financial de-regulation "cowboy boot" is pressed so hard against our throats, that it is no surprise that the majority of Americans have lost consciousness of reality.

2. Obama using "an unfortunate failure of machinery as a scape goat to push an agenda?"

Hmmm...wasn't it that shortly before the "unfortunate failure," Obama was supporting off-shore drilling? I could be wrong, but I am sure that the fear-inducing, mind-controlling media covered it quite extensively. The "agenda" Obama is now pushing (stronger regulations and green energy) should have been the agenda he was pushing shortly before the "unfortunate failure." If he is guilty of anything, it is flip-flopping and trying to play "nice" with people and groups who are anything but. We all know that politics is a cut-throat business and I give Obama a lot of credit for trying to change that. However, I can't stand to see him trying to play the middle road when he is dodging insults and criticisms from both sides. Choose one and those on that side will support him to the end.

3. What is it about Obama that makes people like him?

Could it be the hope that changes to the system are possible which every intelligent and free-thinking person can see are drastically needed? GASP! No way....who would think that people might be able to see the truth??? There is a well established history of liberal, scholarly, and free-thinking people who have been persecuted throughout the years by the powers that be. Is today's situation any different, minus the hangings and public beatings? Just like the insidious disease of racism, it has found the path of least resistance through ignorance and pacification.

4. "Weasel, crook, fool"

I had no idea that Obama had changed parties!! When did he become a conservative republican?

5. The icing on the cake: Barack Obama: 43rd President

Now I am convinced...This guy really was describing a weasel, crook, fool, and republican: our 43rd President, George Bush. I can see how Barack Obama and George Bush could be easily mistaken.

After many minutes of contemplation, I left the post alone. There is no changing that level of ignorance and incompetence. Especially when the guy list Glenn Beck as his role model. All hope is lost at that point. Let's just pray to god the guy doesn't ever achieve the status of his role model and have the opportunity to spew the hate and fear-filled ignorance of that is in his mind.

A reflection of a first year teacher...

Now that it has been a couple weeks since I have officially completed my first year as a Teach For American Corp Member, I have had sufficient time to reflect. The past year has by far, been one of the most challenging years of my life. I have been pushed to my limits mentally, emotionally, physically, and professionally. Never in my life have I ever questioned myself as much as I have as a first year teacher.

For me, my experience has been a roller-coster ride of huge successes and equally huge failures. And there it is: failure. Like the majority of TFA Corp Members, I don't think that I have ever truly failed at anything and this was my first brush with it. Let's just say that I don't ever want to come into contact with it again.

As I approach my second year, there are several lessons that I have learned that I refuse to allow to slip away. I want to take the experiences and believe that I know what I am doing (even though I know I still have a lot to learn). To another year...