Emotion VS. Logic

My own biology has become my number one enemy. I can't seem to escape it. The urge. The feeling of love. The desire for more. Why can I not control my own emotions?

Since I have met him, my biological desire to become pregnant has shown its face on too many occasions. I have never before wanted to have children with anyone that I have met, and thus, never considered it. However, he is smart, attractive, loving, patient, curious, and worships the ground I walk on. If I had to design a father for my (potential and surely not in the near future) children, he would be a mirror image of the man that I love.

Every time I think about it, the emotion is so strong that tears bubble to the surface. My desire for physical intimacy is no longer about pleasure, but the connection between us. The tenderness of his touch, the desire to be so close that the distinction between each of us individually is blurred. My thoughts and fantasies have become about the possibility of us, as one. What would push me to the edge is no longer apparent; it is only the thought of him and the potential of our lives together.

As the wave of red, hot desire for his love envelopes me and eventually passes, I realize that logically, what I want to be our future needs to be just that: future. We are still so young (although with everyone around me getting pregnant and married, I feel like an old maid) with so much of our lives ahead of us. There is no need or reason to rush or to become "suburbafied" just yet. The thought of having children scares the hell out of me and makes me question my own sanity every time the thought creeps in.

However, every time he reacts so strongly against having kids or getting married, or hell, just moving in together, he makes me feel as though he doesn't want the future and thus, he doesn't want me. My logical reaction is to want it even more which pushes him away. As soon as I back off, I catch him saying or doing things that lead me to think that he wants the same thing too: my last name hyphenated with his, telling me that I know it will happen eventually.

Our relationship has been the most stable, loving, and exhilarating thing that either one of us has ever experienced. Unfortunately, my body and emotions have stopped me from really enjoying it. Hopefully, I can tell my biology to get lost and contain its chromosomes for long enough to enjoy the ride.