My mother has had a lasting impact on my perceptions of women. They are either: 1. Incompetent, dependent, disgusting, and not worthy of my time or 2. Respectable, intelligent, and in control. I usually follow the latter around like a lost puppy dog.
Over the last year, I feel as though all of those who were important to me have left my life. Those who have been "lucky" enough to be there for my needs, either willingly or reluctantly, I no longer talk to on a regular basis. Thank god for the fact that I have been busy so not to marinate on the fact.
However, this has left me with a ridiculous amount of mental and emotional pain that is steadily simmering in the back of my mind. With every increase of temperature towards 212 degrees, I have forced myself to bury it again. As Scarlett would say, "I can't think about that today. I'll think about it tomorrow." Well, tomorrow is here, complete with two months of nothing, which I need a manual to understand. I suppose that it is time to deal with some of these issues which means verbalizing them. So, with no further ado....
To Carol:
I want to say that I thank you for your many years of support for me, as a child and as an adult. You understood then and you surely were one of the only people who understood me now. I am so thankful that I got to see you in October which helped me to say goodbye. I was so unsure of whether I should come to Michigan in February when only six days later, your last impact on the world approached. I refused to call you for many months or check for your obituary for fear of the eventual. Finally in May, I looked. I cried for a few minutes and then I closed my computer and walked away. I could not allow myself to think about it. You meant so much to me and you are forever missed. I will not remove your number from my phone and occasionally stare at it, wishing I could call you. I am very happy that I had the fortunate opportunity for you to change my life. Thank you so much.
To Kathy:
I want to say that I could not ask for a better person in my life. You understand me on so many levels and are there unconditionally. I have known over the past 12 years, that you will be there for me in any situation. You have always supported me, even when I was wrong and I can't say that anyone else has.
I am sure that you have wondered why I have not called you over the past months. It is not because I have been working too much and don't have time. I am a big believer that people make time for those things that are important to them. I have to say that I, unexpectedly, have had a really difficult time with Laura having a baby. I know it may sound ridiculous to most people but I am confident that you probably understand. I have been so afraid that you are going to be too busy to pick up the phone or too happy to deal with my non-sense that I have not attempted to bother you. I don't want to confirm my fears that you may not have time for me as a result of being busy and happy with your dream of having a grandchild. As a result, I have not called for fear of confirmation. I have weighed the potential risks and gains, and I just felt that after everything else, I could not lose you and if I pushed you away, then the lost relationship is because I choose it and not a result of you pushing me away. That thought hurt less than the latter. I am so happy that you and Kelly got a chance to be grandparents and I don't want to bother you with my non-sense. So I don't call even though I have stared at your number so many times.
To Kim:
I know that you may reluctantly have been there, only when I have forced my way into your life and I thank you for allowing me to "tag along." I wonder why I have talked to you once in the last year. I have wondered if has something to do with me and my success or something of deficit in your life. I wonder if I said something to you that upset you. If so, I would like to know what it is so that I don't say it again. I hope that everything is going well for you and I wish nothing but happiness and courage for you to do what you may want to do, but are scared to do. I wish I could talk to you on the phone, but with every "The number you have reached....," a little piece of me is removed so I don't call. It's easier this way. I hope that I may be able to come see you in a few weeks when I venture back to Michigan. I hope...
To Ms. Drake:
I know that we have not always seen eye-to-eye on the causes and solutions to situations, but I know that you always have the best intentions for me. I wish I could talk to you about stuff, but I know that you are busy and don't agree with most of what I say which makes it hard. I hope that one day we may be able to see eye to eye and that I can have a better, more frequent relationship with you. I hope all is good...
To Tina:
I thank you so much for supporting me professionally and pushing me to my limits. I have so much respect for you and want nothing more than your approval. I hope that our relationship will continue to grow and endure.
To Romana:
I thank you for coming into my father's life and attempting to deal with him in addition to the non-sense that his children bring. I like you and would like a relationship with you, but you must understand that I need to keep my distance. I have never seen my father in a relationship with a woman and have never had a woman in my life that was affectionate towards me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do other than run away. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and my experiences. I appreciate you trying to forge that relationship with me. Just realize that I come skeptical, suspicious, and untrusting and that this takes quite a while to break down. Just ask Anderson....
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